Finally accepting that you can’t stay friends with everyone forever.
So excited for Mountain Goats in SF, New Moon, and mashed potatoes.
And Kathy, and Sebastian, and burritos, and clean couches/countertops/floors, and swimming pools, and the contrast of Lake Poway to Dolores park. And driving. And fully stocked kitchens, and alone time.
I kind of wish I was flying home though… oh well.
I haven’t really done all the things from my last post yet…. at all… but I can feel I’m getting closer.
Someone I know kept warning me before I moved up here that everyone who moves up here becomes completely unproductive and worthless. That couldn’t happen to ME though, right? Oh wait shit.
Basically I’m trying to get back in business.
It’s so easy to get lost in drinking tall cans and eating thai food and sandwiches and always having something to do/ a bus to catch/ a park to hang out at. Poor me right. I’m living the good life but for what? I have nothing to show for it, I don’t even remember what I did yesterday or the day before that without thinking super hard. It all blurs together. I’ve turned off my brain, I don’t even listen to sad music anymore, just paramore and radio hits. I want purpose other than my half hearted school career and hanging around with friends (although don’t get me wrong it’s really great having a social life for the first time in a while). And I want to be me again, overthinking everything and facing each fucked up emotion head on, instead of mindlessly moving forward at all times; going through the motions of life.
one bag of top ramen just isn’t enough. two bags is way too much.
i can’t catch a BREAK
sigh.
ps.
fuckkkk
oh yeah and adventureland rocked my frickin world.
I stayed in last night, watched some discovery channel show on sexual attraction, kinda interesting i guess. some pretty dumb parts about females being attracted by cars and stuff…. i don’t at all care about what car someone drives. if it’s really nice, if anything it would be a turn off. ANYWAY then i watched the second half of harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban, easily my favorite of the movies.
THEN i watched Beetlejuice the movie from start to finish either for the first time, or the first time in a long long time. A lot of parts of it aren’t really my style. I don’t like some of that freaky deaky tim burton shit… i like nightmare before christmas/corpse bride/edward scissorhands, but stuff like the climation snake part and the guy with the really small head…. i don’t know it upsets me. i love adam and barbara though, and of course lydia. they are all three so cute, and i love their clothes. i feel like everytime i see a new (to me) winona ryder movie i fall more and more in love with her. she is so shockingly beautiful/charming. and she always plays the most awesome characters, which also helps.
i’m listening to jawbreaker right now, putting off writing a paper for biology 101. for some reason even if i’m doing nothing actually productive, i can feel really content and okay with doing nothing when i’m listening to jawbreaker. i can just be cleaning up my room or looking around on the internet and snacking, and feel completely successful. i could sit in my room all day and feel fine about it. i don’t know how else to explain it. but i like it/ am thankful for it. keeps me sane.
My succession of childhood crushes/ Babes in general.
/ 
The bodyguard and Robin Hood Prince of Thieves are probably the first two non-animated movies I ever saw, so give me a break.
Brand Walsh, SUCH a babe, still. He played George Bush in “W” and looked sexy even then. annyway.
duh, forever.
yes, axl. i’m not proud of it.
I feel like i’m forgetting someone. sorry. probably rocky from 3 ninjas but i don’t know if i care to find a picture.
Later on…
I’ve been listening to a lot of old modest mouse lately. Feels good.
Jax shanz and I saw Twilight at midnight on thursday. I can’t stop thinking about it. Let me just say, this movie is so good. I was sooo happy. Euphoric really. SO GOOD. I was so worried about the outcome and I was not dissapointed. B a utiful.
I came across this long lost video today, while watching all my friend’s movies on youtube and being jealous of their creative output, and it made me really happy and sad at the same time. I miss being a sophomore in high school.
oh and when talking about watching my friend’s movies i’m mainly referring to this guy, Blake LaRue who made this great film about a dinosaur painting.
I always get so crazy when I’m upset and can’t talk about it, it always makes me want to do weird impulsive things on the internet, typically facebook. Why is it that people turn to the internet when in that situation? For attention I guess, but all they need is a good cry. That is what I have realized. I was feeling very overwhelmed these past few days, having public speaking anxiety, but I got one in today after my informative speech while talkin to my mom on the phone about how it went. Now I’m feelin’ real good. I love that cry that just creeps up every once in a while when it’s been too long.
All I really came here to say was this:
